So I can definitely say that I rocked 28 in style. I had a really great time at dinner and I had an amazing time at the bar. I would definitely visit Alive again. I would like to say a big "thanks!!" to all the people that came out for dinner and/or the bar, and for all the bday wishes that I received from everybody. I really appreciate all the good thoughts.
Thanks everybody!!! You made turning 28 a great experience!
So I'm going to be another year older (28, eek) and my bday buddy Ryan will also be another year older. As usual we are going to have a joined celebration but this year we are classing thing up. We are having a semi- formal dinner at Baileys in the exchange and we will be going to Alive afterwards. All are invited to attend. I'm hoping it will be quite an enjoyable evening.
Hey folks! Well I'd like to say that I've been doing a bit better. I still feel really sick to my stomach when I think about how my past relationship ended but I think soon I'll be able to see the silver lining. I've had to deal with a lot during the past couple months on top of the break up blues, such as: -Having to leave my apartment due to bed bugs in my neighbour's suite -having to repeatedly haggle with MTS to fix my broken cable -having to send my laptop back to dell because it mysteriously stopped working (great customer service though) -and having to send in my cell phone because the battery wont hold a charge anymore
So lets just say that technology isnt on my side lately. But I would like to add that all of my technology misfortunes did not cost me anything but time and patience so I guess it could be worse.
A very difficult week (with music for dramatic effect)
Well lets just say that things have been a little rough the past month. Having to move out of my apartment because the person above me has bed bugs, was just the start of trouble to come. I moved in with Matt during that time because we once shared that house and it didn't feel so out of place to have to be there for a while. Well a while ended up being 3-4 weeks and I guess my presence was causing some problems.
Well it wasn't that we weren't getting along. I guess it was because we were getting along too well that thoughts of us getting back together kept creeping back into my head. Well one night I noticed that Matt looked really sad, I felt really bad because I was heading out the door but I was bound and determined to fix what ailed him the next day.
Well the next day came and Matt decided to tell me what was wrong. Well it turns out that he's seeing someone online and he was worried that I've been getting too attached when he wasn't interested. Well that was the last thing in the world I was expecting, especially after only being broken up for two months. I was experiencing every emotion you could possibly imagine, all at once. My hands were shaking, I was crying and I just didn't know what to do with myself.
Well I had some things I needed to do that day so I ended up leaving to do them. I cried the entire time. I felt so betrayed and hurt and insignificant that he could move on already. I guess I didn't realize how much I had started to like him again. When I got home later that evening, I confronted him about all the pain he was causing me. I told him about all the insecurities I was feeling, about all the pain he had caused and anything else I could think of. After saying a lot of true things and a lot of mean true things, he finally broke down and told me a lot of things that I needed to hear.
Neither of us slept well that night. I called him in the morning and that's when I realized that he was feeling as awful as I was. My self pity immediately turned into guilt that I could make him feel that sad. I beat myself up about it for the whole day and I was terrified that he would say that he never wanted to talk to me ever again. This was probably one of the worst days of my life. Here is a song that sort of describes what I was feeling that day: (the video is really stupid but the song is good):
I was so upset about the way he was feeling, that my hurt feelings didn't really mean much to me that day. I wrote him this big email about how I just wanted him to be happy. It didn't matter about the differences that went on between us as long as I wasn't the person standing in the way of his happiness. That was my gift to him for all the joy he had ever given me. I guess that is what love is, putting aside your pain to be happy for someone else even if it really hurts you.
The next few days I spent thinking way to much about the past, present and future. I was dealing with way too many emotions. I was being really hard on myself and the songs at work were not helping much. This song was haunting me all week:
Lets just say that I decided to be "the bigger person" and because of that we may still be able to be friends. I know that sounds ridiculous after what had happened. But four years of being together meant a lot to me and I don't want to be petty over him moving on because it would have happened eventually anyway. I guess because of all the pain and emotions i have delt with this week felt more like a break up then our actual break up did, so I'm going to try and be optimistic when I say that it might all be for the best. That doesn't mean that I'm totally over it. I still have hurt feelings that I'm dealing with. He're sort of what I feel like:
I hope you're not feeling too sorry for me. I cause a lot of my own problems by getting my hopes up without thinking of the consequences. And don't worry that I am taking on entirely too much blame for this. I know that this whole situation was out of my control but I dont think it could have ended better than it has. I can dwell on how wronged I felt about him dating already but that would not get us anywhere and I think it would lead to worse feelings overall. I am thankful that I was able to spend the rest of the week with Matt so that we could deal with the situation together. I know that sounds absurd but he really is the person that can make me feel better in an instant, even if he was the one to upset me. I guess I am that predictable. Oh well. Now here I am in my "better than I remembered" apartment feeling better that I survived this very difficult ordeal.
